She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
