Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
