How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
