I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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