he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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