does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
