Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
