The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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