I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
