I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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