My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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