TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
