After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
