found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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