I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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