I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm too high and old for this...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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