can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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