So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
