I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
