Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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