Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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