This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
