my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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