Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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