all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
