I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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