I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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