She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
