she smelled like a LAN party
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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