So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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