I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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