Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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