So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
