I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
