Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
