Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
