He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize