My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
