I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
