Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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