he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
