I wish life had little blips of pornography
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
