My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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