new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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