I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
