I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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