You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
