I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
