Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
