please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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