Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
