You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
