I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
the raccoons are back...
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