Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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