Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
