I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wish there were birth control emojis
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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